emotional pain


The Bilerico Project tells how Clay and his partner of 20 years were treated and in the worst way possible.  Is the extent of gay hatred so bad that no laws protect us?  Is this the country that I served in the military for and forgave – for all her murderous, racist, sexist, rape of people’s souls – because she was going to be beautiful one day?

Was it because Florida got away with  preventing Lisa Pond and their children to be with her dying partner since they were a lesbian family?  Is it now a free for all on all gay people – when it comes to health care and our legal rights as a citizen in this God-forsaken country.

I’m having one of those moments where I think the only way to resolve anything is to destroy the bastards before they finish destroying us.  But then, my humanity stops me.  And then I have to apologize for thinking such vile thoughts.  There is a lesson here but I’m not sure what it is.  Read The Bilerico Project.  Maybe you can figure it out and explain it to me.

According to CNN, President Obama has asked the Department of Health and Human Services to establish a rule that would prevent hospitals from denying visitation privileges to gay and lesbian partners.  I say this: unless there are consequences to hospitals and governmental offices behaving this way, nothing will change.  Mr. President, we need to see some consequences to follow your words.  Otherwise, words are pretty but empty.

(I saw this link via Mary Anne Adams, on facebook).

My sister said this to me.  “You hate men and you are always trying to force your gayness on us.  Your other two sisters think the same way about you.”

Today was the fourth of July and the date of our family reunion and I didn’t go.  My family  thinks it’s because I don’t love them enough.  Instead, I spent the day with three lesbian friends, having dinner and being accepted just as I am.  A person who wasn’t  a shadow of herself.  A person who shared aspects of her life even though it included *gasp* gay people.  A person know by many as somebody good and decent – instead of that ugly thing the church whispers in my family’s ears.

My  sister responded in this way because I informed her that our niece, Cathy had told me she was gay.  This niece is presently attending a religious school, in the closet, and is surrounded by other religious closeted people who behave in atrociously unhealthy ways, including violence.  Besides wanting to show her gay people who don’t t live as if they’re abominations, I was glad of the opportunity to share of myself with a family member. 

I told my sister I would let my niece accompany me to a few upscale places, thinking it was a good thing.  The amount of nasty  that came heaving out of her mouth surprised me.  She claimed she was only being honest.  Her words: “Cathy is lying.  She is not gay and is only saying that because she knows that you are and wants to get attention.”  This was followed by words that meant that I would apparently teach my niece to hate men and force being a lesbian on her.

To say her words hurt is an understatement.

Today was Gay Independence Day from my family.  There will be no more longing for what will never be.

I have found out that I don’t know how to date anymore.  Before my 5 1/2 year relationship, I was super smooooth.  I could make a gorgeous lady flutter just by looking at her. (I’m sticking to my story)  Out of my entire sexual life, it has been rare for anyone to turn me down or turn me away.  Now, I’m 5 1/2 years older, gained a bit of weight, lost a bit of confidence and am  realizing that I no longer have a clue.  I don’t know how I lost the notorious dating mojo, but I did.  I’m not used to rejection but have now received two let downs in the past four weeks. One I deserved because my style was obviously rudimentary.  The other, she was just plain rude.   Don’t get me wrong, I still receive attention from various and assorted, but thats not the point.  I want the ones that I’m selecting,  the ones that tick my tock and make me fly, high.  I want a mutual spin.  Not a one way, one sided  ticket.  Maybe I’m  reeking of desperation or looking too hungry.  That never stopped the magic of the mojo working for me before.  As a matter of fact, the hungrier I was, the more I was fed.  What has changed?  How did I slip between the dating cracks?  More importantly, how do I climb back out?  Though it pains me, I’m not opposed to accepting help from the charitable beautiful. 

If your answer is ‘maybe you should wait because you haven’t gotten over your ex yet’, I will ask you to move to the back of the line so someone else can speak.  Thank you.

PS.  I know.  I have to accept rejection, just like everybody else.  But I don’t want to.  Thats my story and I’m sticking to it.  Thanks for listening to my rant.

Today was not a good day for me, what with the general holiday gloom and doom, having my trust broken by someone I’ve loved completely for years and just the general woe is me life sucks feeling. By 6pm I felt better and started thinking humans aren’t so bad after all. What a lovely thought.

So, I went to an Anthology launch to hear my good friend David read his marvelous short story – that was included in the Anthology. When I got on the tube it was crowded. Feeling very vulnerable from the day, I pulled my inner space in and wrapped it tightly around me. Wouldn’t you know that it would be my luck to get the tube pervy guy standing next to me. As he pressed his body against mine like a second skin, I knew I had to find a way to get some air between us. I raised my arm so that he would press into my elbow while he was enjoying my back and my ass. He had the nerve to get pissed off. He yelled at me to remove my elbow. Here I am being polite and not trying to cause a scene about a large man practically pushing his pod into my cheeks and he is loudly demanding that I remove my elbow. I glared at him and he glared back, expecting me to tuck down and cower. We both knew that no matter what happened, no one on the tube would step in to help me. Life in the big city. It’s like that.

As I glared at his threatening face, he yelled even louder for me to ‘turn around’. He yelled his command at me three times. I guess I was supposed to give him my rear curves again. Frankly, I was scared he was going to punch me but I am no man’s bitch. I refuse to whimper and bend over. If he punches me, we’ll have to go from there. My brave response was, “You turn around! Who put you in charge?” Though I did not turn around, I did drop direct eye contact. I’m not stupid. I remembered the Dog Whisperer saying that when you meet a dog – don’t look, don’t touch, don’t talk. I figured maybe the ‘don’t look him in the eye’ was one I should work with. So we stood there at our standoff for two stops. When he got off, I muttered ‘bastard.’

I’m never in the mood to be assaulted by privileged, violent, heterosexual males – or anyone else. I wish there were a thousand Xena’s around that would have stomped him into a bloody pulp and told him to never harass and intimidate another woman. I wish I were Xena.

Many years ago, I had a girlfriend that I loved tremendously.  She was from California so whenever I think of the west coast, I think of her.  She was beautiful, intelligent, fun, and many other positive things.  But there was a problem.  She lied about everything. She stole. Eventually, I could not tell what was real and what was my imagination.

One day, because of my desire to survive, I forced distance between us.  When she found out that she had a terminal illness, she contacted me.  I listened to her stories for hours on the phone. The tears I cried were heartfelt.  Still, I kept my distance.  It felt safer.

How do you let go?  You resolve your own pain and sense of betrayal.  Carrying that pain around has got to be the worse form of self punishment ever invented.   My late lesson.  It was my own pain to resolve.  Expecting the other person to do it for me was not realistic.  The journey is to just work out your own stuff.  Figure out why you willingly participated in a damaging relationship. Own it and work it out.  i wish I had done that way earlier in the game.  

R.I.P