Two Wednesdays ago I stopped at my local Sam’s club.  They are now renting out a space to a teeth cleaning company.  They have four reclining chairs and two attractive women to entice you to whiten your smile.  The technician advised me to smile brightly the entire time.  I did.  

While I was reclining, I forgot to keep my hands over my pocket to keep my money safe.  I just kept grinning and letting the blue light shine on my soon to be white teeth. I didn’t dawn on me that the child who climbed underneath my chair was pilfering my cash.  He stole $80.  But that’s another subject, so back to the story about my soon to be pearly whites.

I felt a sharp pain race across a tooth and into my gums.  It felt like a severe electric shock.  The pain was so bad, I gripped the chair for support.  The smiling technician  said “Oh, you must have gotten a zinger.  Usually there are just a few and then they go away.  Don’t worry, they will go away.”  I trusted her and I really wanted white teeth.

I experienced more zingers.  They lasted throughout and my mouth was really hurting. I stayed in the chair because I kept thinking it would be the last one – because I trusted her.  After two back to back 15 minute sessions, the light was turned off and my new teeth were about to be delivered.  I was instructed to take off my mouthpiece.  She said my teeth were whiter but my gums had gotten a little blanched. “Blanched,” I asked.  ”A little,” she said.  ”All you have to do is put vitamin e-oil on it and it will go away.”

She gave me a q-tip and one capsule of vitamin e along with a mirror.  I looked at my gums.  The top one was white.  I burst several more capsules, hoping it would all go away, just like she’d promised.  I stuck out my tongue and looked underneath.  THE flesh had puffed up into the shape of a boat.  No, a yacht.  The smiling and pretty technician gave me more vitamin e to take home.  My mouth was hurting like hell but the nice lady said it would stop.

By Thursday, I wanted to pull out my mouth and soak it in ice.  being a slow learner, I thought more vitamin e should fix it.  The trained technician knew what she was talking about.  She was trained.  Wasn’t she?

By Friday my mouth hurt so badly it made my face hurt.  I could not wash my face or clean my nose without yelping OUCH!  The places where I’d felt the zingers were burned the worst.  By night time, the white skin was peeling off and clinging to my teeth like pus. I was scared and not really sure what to do.

Early Saturday morning, I drove at top speed to the nearest emergency room.  I was given painkillers, anti-inflammatorys and antibiotics.  My mouth had been severely burned.  I was told to put KY jelly in my mouth for quick relief until the pills kicked in.   The painkiller, lidocaine is in the jelly.  Who knew?  I sucked on KY jelly until the cows came home. Thanks to the hospital, I’m no longer in hell.